


The Dark Before the Dawn

by merlins_sister



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Coda, F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 21:36:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3911539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlins_sister/pseuds/merlins_sister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elizabeth grieves for Carson and what might have been. Coda to 'Sunday'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dark Before the Dawn

Elizabeth bit her lip in an attempt to stop the tears coming, but to no avail. They ran down her cheeks as she tried to concentrate on the view in front of her, a view that just made things worse. Because all it did was remind her of him.

Carson. How could he be dead? Sweet, dear Carson.

How could he have left her?

She had known in that moment of loss the true depth of her feelings for him. Or perhaps, in the ultimate universal irony, had accepted them. 

Her date with Mike had been a break with her own rules. He had pursued her in a way she wished Carson had. If he had maybe things would have been different. And yet, she also knew that they wouldn’t, because she had loved him all the more for not pushing it. Certain as she was that he sensed the depth of her feelings for him, hidden as they were in the guise of friendship and responsibility.

How could losing one person hurt so much?

It was idiotic of her to keep coming back to this place, their place. The view of the city was amazing from here, peaceful in its simple beauty. She and Carson would walk here, talking, putting the day’s events into perspective. They would discuss their concerns for the others, try to think of solutions to problems. Or they would talk of home, their families. And Carson with a large family and a career as a doctor certainly had some stories to tell. They talked about all of that, but never their feelings for each other.

Did she hurt him that day by her actions? Did he understand why she had given into the offer? That it was probably ultimately about him, about finding some way around her own self imposed rules. She had ended the lunch citing the city, but she knew it had been about Carson. However much she had been unable to admit her feelings, she had also been unable to betray him. And she had felt guilty. Did now. That his last memory of her was her going on a date. And not with him.

If only he hadn’t tried so hard to be a good friend.

She didn’t sob with grief any more. For that she was grateful. But the tears. When she was here... she didn’t feel like they would ever stop, each moment of the sunset producing even more. Carson loved the sunset. Said it helped him make peace with the world. One day was ending, but another day would start. She had found solace in those words once. But now... she didn’t have him to give her the faith. 

As the last rays started to fade she heard the footsteps, and she wondered when this had become another routine of a man watching over her. John had come looking for her in the first heady days of grief. He had found her wracked with pain, and held her as she cried until her throat was sore. He had said little; words were not John’s gift. But he had tried to comfort her, and, as regular as clockwork he would find her here in the evenings. To try and comfort her, and to take some of the weight of the grief. She wondered if he knew what was fuelling so much of her grief.

She wondered if he had cried yet.

She readied an admonishment on her lips, that there were others he should be worrying about. But as the footsteps grew closer she realised they were different. Softer, lighter. She didn’t need to look up when they reached her to know who it was.

“He must be really worried if he’s sent you,” Elizabeth said as steadily as she could, resisting the urge to wipe her cheeks.

“The Colonel is a man of action, Elizabeth. He tries to help by doing things.”

Elizabeth glanced to her side as Kate leant forward, resting her arms on the balcony railing.

Elizabeth felt the tears well up in her throat again, and she fought to keep them down. It made more sense for Kate to be the one to see her level of distress, but it was bad enough John knew, now Kate as well.

“This is normal, Elizabeth,” Kate said gently. “You’ve lost someone you loved.”

Elizabeth shook her head. This couldn’t be normal. 

“I’ve lost friends and family,” she said. “I’ve watched over this expedition, sent messages of condolence to more people than I ever wanted to. Grief has never hit me like this.”

“But none of them were Carson.”

Elizabeth gripped the railing as she tried to keep herself steady. “No, none of them were.”

“I felt safe with him around,” Elizabeth said softly, her voice dropping to little more than a whisper. “I know in some ways that seems strange, when Carson was so capable of showing his fear. He just... he just made the world a better place.”

“He made your world a better place.”

Elizabeth lifted her head up and looked at Kate. “Yes, he did.” She watched the other woman carefully. How much had she guessed?

Kate turned and looked back out at sea. “It’s hard to imagine this place without him,” she said in the gentle low tone of hers. “I’ve never worked for a better boss.” She turned back with a slight smile on her face. “Present company excepted of course.”

Elizabeth felt a flash of a smile pull at her lips. 

“Persuaded me to follow him out here,” Kate continued. “Made it seem like the biggest adventure I could have.” She paused for a moment. “And, despite everything we’ve been through, it has been. For him too.”

She was quiet for a moment, drawing Elizabeth’s eyes back to her. “I know he never regretted anything he gave up to be here. Except maybe one thing. And even then he understood.”

Elizabeth’s face flushed. She’d guessed, or Carson had talked to her about it. 

No, she’d guessed. 

“I...” Elizabeth started, scrabbling for words to explain, to justify.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Kate interrupted gently. “There is nothing to explain, that is of any business to anyone but you. Just try and be kind to yourself. There is no need for guilt, and the grief of what might have been is just as valid as the grief of what was.”

“If only we’d had more time,” Elizabeth managed, surprising herself at the implicit confession in her words.

“Sometimes, in some places, there never is,” Kate said. “But who knows what happened elsewhere.”

Elizabeth couldn’t contain a grim laugh. “You think in another time and place it would have happened.”

Kate shrugged. “Who’s to tell? Big universe, lots of possibilities.”

Elizabeth replied, “I don’t know if that makes things worse. That somewhere else I managed to let go.”

“But here you made the right choices for you. That’s all you can do, all you can expect yourself to do.”

Kate pushed herself away from the railing. “Take it slowly, Elizabeth. This sort of grief won’t go easily. Just remind yourself, that however it was shown, he loved you, and he knew you loved him.” 

She touched Elizabeth gently on the arm before turning to head back into the corridor.

“Kate.”

She turned at Elizabeth’s voice, the question on her face.

“How are you coping? Is anyone looking out for your grief?”

Kate smiled slightly. “The Colonel lets me beat him at poker.”

Elizabeth returned the smile. “He’s a busy man that Colonel of ours.” She stopped as she wondered if it was appropriate to ask the next question.

“It’s alright, Elizabeth. I’m keeping an eye on him,” Kate replied. “He’ll be fine. We will all be fine.” She inclined her head towards the sunset. “Take your time. Watch the sunset. Remember Carson, and let yourself grieve. Everything else can wait for a little while longer.”

As Kate slipped softly away, Elizabeth turned back to the sunset and tried to do as Kate advised. She let the tears come again, but this time she held on to Kate’s words. 

He loved her. He knew she loved him.

And somewhere out there, in one of those myriad of universes, they had been granted the time to work it all out, to have everything they wanted. A slight smile. That would have to be enough.


End file.
